Mother’s Day, relationships, and missing moms

Posted on May 12, 2013 by

My Mother’s Days have been spent making sure my own mother was happy. Usually that made me happy, too, but really it was all about her. This time, I’m the only mom in the immediate picture, and I’m not ready to embrace that yet. I do, however, feel a bond with lots of other daughters out there who have lost their mothers. Facebook has been full of beautiful sayings about moms in heaven but also in our hearts, and I’m taking comfort in those. Postings show no matter how long ago they lost their mothers, daughters still miss them very much. What is it about that daughter-to-mother relationship that seems to have an intensity stronger than that of son-to-mother? All those X chromosomes make a tangled web.

My relationship with my mother was not an easy one. That she was born and raised in a different country added to the generation gap. While working on Cherry Blossoms in Twilight, I cried to learn some of the reasons she behaved as she did—our past experiences reflect who we grow to be, and I didn’t understand her at all until I discovered those experiences. How I wished I had known sooner. That didn’t make things easier for me, but I learned to better accept what would never change. Despite our difficulties, I loved her for what she could be, and was honored to care for her through the end of her Alzheimer’s. She loved me the best she knew how. And I loved her the best I knew how.

Happy Mother’s Day to all who love as mothers.

Missing mother haiku

Posted in death, holiday, lifewriting, relationship | Tagged | 8 Comments

Letters From the Other Side of Haiti

Posted on May 6, 2013 by

Jillayna Adamson was doing a booksigning at the Book House, a charismatic 150-year-old Gothic Revival house in Rock Hill (St. Louis), Missouri, that is literally stuffed with new and used books. The book store was recently served an eviction notice by the land owner. I had fun wandering through the maze of books, admiring the cozy dormer filled with poetry books, carefully climbing down a winding, narrow staircase, all perhaps for the last time, and then meeting Jillayna (Jill-anna) and her husband, Rod. Letters from the Other Side of Haiti is the name of Jillayna’s new book.

The couple traveled twice to the impoverished village of Pignon on the northern side of Haiti. They worked with Haiti Home of Hope Orphanage and its feeding clinic and with Haiti Outreach. They visited Meds and Food for Kids and want to bring a Medika Mamba program to Pignon to save the starving children. Medika Mamba is the Creole name for the protein-vitamin- packed peanut butter paste created by a St. Louis doctor. Jillayna wrote about their trips and turned the writings into a book.

Letters from the Other Side reads like a series of travel-blog posts, which many are (some have been removed and put in the book instead). I found the short entries touching. Some are mini-profiles of the people Jill and Rod met, as in the heartbreaking chapter “Faces of Orphans.” Some are like journal entries of what happened that day, like a lesson in meticulously doing laundry by hand (“I have never seen my whites so white”), or the quest for coffee in a land that doesn’t seem to have any. Some are descriptions of how things are. All are cultural revelations—extreme, shocking revelations. All exude a love for the people and the land.

Letters From the Other Side is an easy, fast read with a lot of black and white photos. Although it could use a bit more work in editing and interior design, it is a sweet and fascinating (horrifying) look at a way of living that most of us can’t imagine. These are “stories you won’t hear on the national news.” I loved the last chapter, which is an insightful summary with takeaway message. Jillayna says, “I write from a side of Haiti that I have come to love, understand, and deeply respect. They suffer, but they smile, they are a beautiful, kind and passionate people. Haiti is not all about devastation or tragedy.”

Jillayna and Rod like working with smaller, more remote villages, places where other aid organizations don’t reach. Proceeds from book sales go toward helping these villages by providing food and supplies, particularly to orphanages. Donations can also be made through Jillaynas blog.

They crowded around us and sang God is Good in broken, accented English. We tried not to cry.

Jillayna Adamson

Posted in book reviews, book talk, journal, letters, multicultural, Uncategorized | Tagged | 2 Comments

No memoir? More on writing truth as historical fiction

Posted on April 21, 2013 by

Sandcastle GirlsLast week I heard Chris Bohjalian talk about Sandcastle Girls, his novel about the Armenian genocide. A year after its release, the paperback version is out, and Mr. Bohjalian is still very excited, very passionate, about the most important book he has ever written. That’s saying something because he has a number of bestsellers to be proud of. Sandcastle Girls brings to light the murder of 1.5 million Armenians in “the slaughter you know nothing about.” During WWI, the world did know and complained without taking any real action. The Ottoman Empire conducted a “crackdown on opposition” and a “deportation” of men, women and children in ways more abominable than what was done to the Jews, if we can even imagine that. Then the killings were forgotten, history swept under a Turkish rug. Chris Bohjalian and the Armenian diaspora want us to remember, to join their story to the Jewish one saying, “Never forget, never again!”

Bohjalian, half Armenian, heard a lot of stories from his grandparents, but they were reticent about saying much about the time of killings. Except for a few instances when strange words popped out. Bohjalian’s aunt was talking about the business plan of her new yogurt smoothie shop (yogurt is tang in Armenian, and Armenian immigrants introduced yogurt to the U.S.). His grandmother said, “Tang … oh, that’s how the older girls were killed, they gave them poisoned tang to drink.” When pressed, she said, “That’s so long ago, nothing more to say.”

So Bohjalian did not have a memoir to ghostwrite for his grandparents. Instead he wrote a draft of a novel full of historical information about the genocide. He said it was terrible—boring, amateur. For his second try, ”I knew I’d need a personal hook” to get readers interested. He created a female character that was like himself, not knowing her family history but curious as she became an adult, learning about unspeakable horrors. In this way he could unfold the whole story of the genocide. He incorporated a few family stories he did have (that was him dressed in red velvet knickers and forced to sing “I’m Henry the VIII, I am” in a bad British accent), but most of the book is fiction mixed with history.

Other authors with important stories to tell have also turned to fiction to allow them toDSCN2961 transform their own real stories into a more compelling picture of the truth. Jean Kwok wrote Girl in Translation incorporating much of her own immigration horror story, and Jan Morrill’s The Red Kimono grew out of her mother’s family experience in Japanese-American internment camps and from her grandfather’s murder. Jan’s mother still cries and cannot speak of her camp experiences or of her father’s death, so Jan had few real stories to work with. Writers might enjoy Doll in the Red Kimono, a book of Jan’s blog posts examining issues of writing fiction inspired by mere whispers of family experiences.

The Armenian Weekly wrote a review of Sandcastle Girls:

“While there are rich personal stories that his readers connect to, what he has achieved is much larger. Bohjalian has written a compelling and powerful novel that will bring the history of the genocide to a wide audience.”

I learned a lot from Mr. Bohjalian’s magnetic talk and went home to research this nightmare in history on my own. George Santayana said, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” We have to keep teaching the past.

Posted in book talk, capturing memories, history, multicultural, writing | Tagged , | 2 Comments

Memoir writing and publishing tips and resources

Posted on April 15, 2013 by

I’ve been working hard over the weekend to update all the writing and publishing tips on my website. Changes in the publishing world seems to happen every week, so there’s a lot to keep up with. I recently learned that website pages are better than links to pdf documents, so now most of these articles have been turned into pages under the Resource tab above. The comprehensive Resource page contains links to those article pages. Well, there are a few links to previous blog posts, too. Check it out!

If you’d like to see any other articles on memoir writing or publishing, let me know and I’ll see what I can do. Serious memoir writers intending to sell their books to the public should visit some of the blogs listed in the right-hand column of this page for more indepth advice on life writing. I also welcome you to join the Life Writers’ Forum Yahoo group, led by Sharon Lippincott of the Heart and Craft of Life Writing and Jerry Waxler of  Memory Writers Network.

Posted in memoir writing, publishing | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Editing your memoir, showing versus telling

Posted on April 7, 2013 by

All writers need an editor. Even editors need editors. Family-only writings can be held to looser standards, but have a few people read over the manuscript to look for typos and improper grammar and anything that does not make sense, is not clear, or is phrased awkwardly. Friends who don’t know your past very well would make good “beta readers.” After all, the great-great-great grandchildren may someday read your book and you want them—strangers—to understand everything you wrote and not stumble over twisted, rambling sentences.

Yesterday I attended a talk by Suzann Ledbetter Ellingsworth, a writer and editor, or “wreditor” as she calls herself. This woman is a no-nonsense ace editor quick with rapier wit and red pen. She taught us what to hack out of our manuscripts. “Trim the fat, make every word count.” She is passionate about her work—and everyone else’s. I thought she would discuss how to “show me the glint of light on broken glass” per Anton Chekhov’s show-vs-tell admonishment to writers not to tell us the moon is shining. Mostly she showed us how to find useless, distracting words and stab them with that broken glass. And there are a lot of useless, distracting words. When those words are removed or replaced, the showing happens, and the reader becomes more engrossed in the story.

I’ve read several recommended books on how to write. They were disappointingly vague, full of chatter and prompts, without much talk on the technical aspects of writing well. Only Stephen King’s book, “On Writing,” stood out. Mr. King said the most valuable learning experience he ever had as a young writer was when an editor slashed his newspaper article to bits, showing how he could improve his writing. Suzann did that for us Saturday by using examples of common writing language (found even in bestsellers) to explain why they make for wishy washy sentences. And oh, the difference she made by fixing them.

I’m sure you’re dying to know what Suzann said. I’ll give a few examples, using both her and my explanations, but she gave too much advice for me to repeat in this little blog post.

1. Most adverbs are bad. “She went quickly” could be replaced by “She ran” or “She scampered.” Many adverbs are redundant, too, as in “She ran quickly” (running implies speed). “She raced” might be better wording. Use more accurate verbs, or explain the situation better.

2. Remove most instances of the word “that.” The sentence will probably mean the same without the useless pebble in the middle. “The flowers that I held…” become more fragrant as “The flowers I held…” and may be intoxicating as just plain “The flowers…”

3. If you saw something happen, just say what it is. “The car came up the road,” not “I saw the car come up the road.” Not everything should be about you.

4. Size adjectives tend to be meaningless. The dog may be a large brown mutt, but maybe  it’s a St. Bernard mix (or he had a dog the size of a St. Bernard). Maybe it’s a Chihuahua (and not a little Chihuahua – redundant!). Let the reader see the dog in her mind. Question:  What is a small mountain? Answer:  a hill.

5. You are not going to do anything. You did it. “I walked to the store,” not “I’m going to walk to the store,” unless you’re going to walk to the store tomorrow.

Suzann also emphasized using active voice. Passive voice is commonly identified by “ing” verb endings, and the MS Word spell checker usually flags this. Suzann said we often speak using passive voice, but we should write using active verbs, even in dialog. I call this “writing strong sentences.” Not “I had been thinking about that,” but “I thought about that.”

I recently gave a sample edit with explanations to someone who was astonished by all the redlines. He said, “I know this stuff, why couldn’t I see it?” Even writers who know this stuff are blinded because they are too close to their work. Our minds see what we meant to say, and there are just too many ways to write weak sentences. That’s why we all need editors. Usually we all need several proofreaders, too.

You’re welcome to comment on any writing errors or weaknesses in this blog post. If you find any and you are an author or editor, I’ll tweet you some publicity. You’re also welcome to leave your own writing tips in the comments.

DSCN2743

Posted in writing skills | Tagged | 9 Comments

Easter: writing about death, rebirth, and other spiritual experiences

Posted on April 1, 2013 by

Last weekend my sister came to visit and we had a private memorial for our mother at our local botanical garden, under the cherry trees – still tightly budded - in the Japanese garden our mother loved. I decided it was time to write down the experience of our mother’s month-long journey unto death. I wanted to share it with my sister to make sure I got it right and that I hadn’t imagined the awesome power of whatever it was going on.

At the nursing home’s December memorial for the residents who had passed away in the last six months, the visiting pastor told us to remember that the follow-up to Christmas and Jesus’s birth is Easter and Jesus’s death and resurrection. That resurrection tells us there is life after death. Believe it or not. And believe it or not, plenty of us Christians find ourselves wondering at times (or a lot of times) if that’s really true, at least for us mortals.

My sister and I were honored to be present watching over many days the gradual withdrawal of life from the human body and its final transformation into a presence we felt fill the corners and empty spaces of the room and then leave like a mist dissipating in the morning sun. At the end, we stood silent, stunned, wondering if two people could imagine the same bizarre, mysterious thing if neither spoke of it. I wanted to write down the experience, to remember it, to save it, to savor it, to find comfort in it, but I wasn’t ready until four months later.

When we write down our stories, how many think to write about their spiritual experiences. How many are brave enough to write them! Many times I’ve heard people talk about these kinds of moments, usually when they think they are safe with others who might believe. Easter is the annual reminder that there is something big and powerful and wonderful out there waiting for us. If you’ve felt it, will you share your story?

DSCN2518

Posted in capturing memories, death, Spiritual | 10 Comments

A snowy day of photo albums and memories

Posted on March 24, 2013 by

Yesterday our family had a private memorial for my mother in the botanical garden she loved. The day was sunny and spring-like, and we had to dodge swarms of little children and parents there for an Easter egg hunt. We couldn’t believe the forecast called for snow the next day.

A snowstorm began around 8:00 this morning. At nightfall I measured nine inches of wet snow, with lighter swirls of flakes still expected. No school tomorrow. We know March comes in like a lion, but we didn’t expect it would go out as a fluffy, white, cold lamb. My visiting sister and her husband left at noon, and their drive home took an extra two and a half hours, with forty-five cars sighted in ditches. Facebook and Twitter are full of snow photos. The photos will help us all remember this crazy weather weekend.

Before she left, my sister and I started going through a box of my mother’s old photos. This can be a sad task after someone dies, but we had a good time discovering photos of the Japanese family we’ve never met. We also enjoyed seeing our own old family photos—look how skinny I was, can you believe that hair, there’s our old backyard, how come I didn’t get one of those pictures? There’s a lot to be said for print photos vs digital. There’s also a lot to be said for writing dates, people’s names, and places on the backs of photos.

I love sitting down and looking at print photo albums. To me, the physical act of turning pages adds to the sensory experience of delight at re-discovering forgotten photos. Scrapbooking is wonderful, but regular albums are just fine, too. Anything to get those photos out of the shoebox and bringing back good memories. I make family albums, but also personal ones for each daughter. They have a lot of fun looking through their albums and sharing them with friends. A physical book lying around seems to draw attention more than a file on a computer.

I took snow photos today, and some may make it into an album. I’m going to spend the rest of the evening going through my mom’s old photos—those make me feel a lot warmer.

Yesterday was a beautiful day for an outdoor memorial

Yesterday was a beautiful day for an outdoor memorial

The robins have failed to bring spring!

The robins have failed to bring spring!

Nine inches of snow fell today
Nine inches of snow fell today
Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments