Life Story of a Lost Baby

Posted on January 7, 2024 by moonbridgebooks

Our family suffered a tragedy when a shocking pregnancy complication resulted in a young couple losing their healthy child in its second trimester. Nothing could be done to save the baby and her days-long torment finally and mercifully ended during delivery. The parents tenderly cradled this tiny, perfect baby, their first, with heart-searing love and soul-deep grief profound to behold, marveling at her wee hands and dear little face.

The supporting grandmothers felt their own searing pain, not only of seeing the exquisite sweetness of what could not be but also of witnessing the terrible grief of their grown children. The grandmothers lived nearby and had been part of the pregnancy journey of excitement, first trimester worries, then hope, finally a tragedy made much worse by a state’s coldly rigid law and a catholic hospital’s version of “ethics.”

The young man’s mother was so affected she wrote the story of the baby’s brief life, to capture how much the baby was hoped for and loved, how bonded the parents were during the mother’s physical and emotional trauma with the father firmly beside her for days, being strong for her while holding his own deep grief. The story is a way to focus on beautiful love rather than pain.

Losing a pregnancy, even an unwanted one, is a painful story. This baby’s story lives on in all our hearts and in a ribbon-bound booklet to treasure. Butterfly babies have stories, too.

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Pregnant Women, Beware of Catholic Hospitals

Posted on December 17, 2023 by moonbridgebooks

A young couple in our family recently suffered a tragedy made worse by a catholic hospital’s “ethics” committee. Their pregnancy had such a serious complication that the baby, in second trimester, was doomed, and the grieving mother became incapacitated, bedridden and with no appetite due to stress and discomfort. The baby was left literally high and dry, compressed in a little prison where it could hardly move. The hospital’s rigid ethics committee insisted the two wait like that until the baby eventually died or the mother developed a deadly infection. Both were trapped in terrible situations, and for how many days to satisfy the hospital’s version of “ethics”? And would the couple be bankrupted by hospital bills for their forced extended stay? Our state’s “no exception” rule would approve of this.

The entire family was devastated, grieving and horrified. The doctors went to bat twice with the ethics committee, which refused to consider mercy and did not have the guts or courtesy to send one of their members to visit the couple to explain or show any sort of empathy. In the end, the mother was taken away from that hospital for care elsewhere.

Fortunately, the nurses and doctors in both locations were wonderfully caring. These days a purple butterfly on the door of the room identifies (and warns) there is a life-threatening complication going on, so staff know to be watchful and extra gentle with the parents. The baby died during delivery and was cradled with immense love and sadness—a profound experience to behold this perfect, very wanted child that had to die. The parents went home to recover from trauma with treasured mementos from caring groups that provide for parents who have suffered loss.

I tell this story as a warning for pregnant women to be aware of the risk of giving birth in a catholic hospital–and in a state with strict laws against care–in case of ectopic pregnancy or something else that goes terribly wrong. Even if the state allows compassionate care, a catholic hospital’s ethics committee can make their own rules. If you are imprisoned in a bad situation, do what you can to leave for care, by ambulance or otherwise. I have told this story to many, and all, including Christians, were horrified.

Jesus, speaking about pharisees: “They tie up heavy, cumbersome loads and put them on other people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them” (Matthew 23:4).

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Family gatherings, dysfunction, and life stories

Posted on November 19, 2023 by moonbridgebooks

Entering the season for family gatherings, Pastor Katie gave such an appropriate sermon today. Do you have a family member who gives you heartburn? Do you know why that person is like that? Perhaps you are aware that your own way of thinking and behaving bothers others. Pastor Katie spoke about how we can inherit the trauma of our ancestors, often unconsciously, but if we are aware of how we pass along this trauma we can break the cycle.

We are each shaped by our family histories and our lived experiences. As a child, I thought my mother’s way of thinking was sometimes on the edge of bizarre. It was not until I sat with her to learn her early life stories to write her memoir, Cherry Blossoms in Twilight, that I became enlightened. She was the product of her very traditional Japanese culture, of poverty and WWII survival, and of how her parents treated her. And so I became an advocate of getting the stories of parents and grandparents to understand how their thinking and behavior affect the next generations, including us and how we will treat our own children. The understanding can bring “forgiveness of sins,” asked for or not, although it’s impossible to forget behavior that hurt us badly.

Most important, becoming aware of how our upbringing and experiences may be contributing negatively to our relationship with others, especially our family members, can lead to change. We can be “born anew,” so to speak. On the plus side, as Pastor Katie said, our ancestors who experienced difficulties may have passed along attributes of patience, resilience, and love! My dad said his mother “was a saint” as she was able to rise above her life circumstances and always be a gentle, kind woman without bitterness. Her sons grew up to be hardworking, gentle, and kind men who took good care of their sweet mother.

Pastor Katie left us with this thought: “We can become the world we want to see… There can be a better story.”

(In July I featured Jeanne Felfe who published her mother’s story of being able to break her family’s cycle of abuse. Her book is I Want to Live! My Journey Beyond Generational Child Abuse.)

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