Loss of a loved one, finding poetry in caregiving

It is over. It is ironic that I wrote about my recent first experience with Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) for my last blog post. I love the meaning behind this Mexican holiday of honoring those who have passed before us and of the power to remain alive through memories. Since then, my mother passed away, her spirit carried perhaps on the wings of a butterfly.Poems That Come to Mind

Also ironic is that only a day before my mother first felt ill and everything snowballed, a poetry book I’ve been working on went live online at Amazon. Poems That Come to Mind is a short book of mostly Japanese style haiku and tanka that tell about the experience of caring for someone with dementia. I was able to celebrate the publication momentarily, happy I’d gotten it out during the month of my mother’s birthday since it is in honor of her. My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a few years after I published her memoir, Cherry Blossoms in Twilight.

Reading the poems during editing required a tissue in hand because caregiving is filled with sadness and pain as well as poignant beauty. On the bright side, I discovered a private Facebook group for those suffering dementia and for their caregivers. We commiserate, share our experiences, give suggestions that worked for us, ask for advice, or just tell about our day with the disease. I have never seen a more supportive, loving online group, and am sorry I only found them at the end of this journey. I highly recommend the Memory People Facebook group.

Poems That Come to Mind is sad, there’s no getting around that. But I hope that caregivers reading it will be reminded there are also exquisite moments of love that burn all the brighter because of the darkness. I am treasuring those moments now.

Cherry blossoms gone
But their story lingers on
I turn the pages

I love you Mom.

 

Posted in aging, death, inspiration, poems | Tagged | 6 Comments

Memoir writing shares elements of fiction

Yesterday The Writer’s Lens blog, which “brings fiction into focus,” featured my guest post on how writing memoir is actually quite similar to writing fiction. No, you don’t get to make stuff up! Thanks to T.W Fendley, author of the historical sci-fi novel Zero Time, for inviting me on The Lens. Here’s the link to the article:

Memoir shares elements of fiction writing

Posted in writing, writing skills | Tagged | Leave a comment

La Dia de los Muertos – don’t let the memories die

Saturday evening I went to a Dia de los Muertos celebration to see what it was about. The Day of the Dead is an important Mexican holiday held the first two days of November to honor the dead. This one featured poets and musicians gathering not only to remember their dead family and friends but to perform and to raise money from a silent auction and raffle to hold slam poetry workshops in the city schools. I watched some very cool spoken-word poets do their stuff and heard an “earth rhythms” healing drum circle. And, I saw the most wonderful ofrenda, the traditional altar of offerings for the dead.

BJC Hospice sponsored the altar and a local poet of Mexican heritage created it with a few volunteers from the hospice program. I picked up one of her flyers thoroughly explaining Day of the Dead and was impressed by this beautiful, symbolic and cheerful tradition. It is based on the Aztec belief of three deaths: when the heart stops, when the body is buried, and when no one is left to remember. The festival is “a reminder of our inevitable mortality” and of the “lasting power” to remain alive as memories in the hearts and minds of the living.

As a lifewriting proponent, I was struck by the truth of that statement, that we have the power to remain alive through memories others hold of us. That is why I encourage everyone to write their lives or that of their elders, because writing lasts longer than one person’s memories. Especially important when you live in a culture that no longer even thinks to tell our stories. How can we be fully fleshed if others see only our present tenses. How will we remain alive if we don’t tell our stories?

I like a few other traditions and beliefs of the Day of the Dead. Butterflies, particularly Monarchs which pass through Mexico around the time of the festival, are believed to carry the spirits of the dead to the otherworld and to guide them back to the living to be annually honored. Candy skulls and smiling skeletons, often dancing or playing instruments, represent “an afterlife that is joyful and active.” Lighting of a candle is an intentional way to “ignite the memories of our loved ones.” There is incense, lots of chrysanthemums and marigolds (the flower of the dead), water and soft Mexican bread offerings, and photos of the dead. The altar is a beautiful display of love and respect. And the grinning skeletons remind us that our beloveds are happy somewhere out there.

 

my little “catrin”

Posted in death, holiday, traditions | Tagged , | 1 Comment